Uninvited

So let’s talk about kids… For those of us who have kids there are a few things we know and understand better than anyone else.

First, trying to talk to a toddler is like trying to rationalize with a tiny drunk person.  It is almost pointless, but you think maybe this time is the time they finally understand that cookies are not an acceptable substitute for a meal and that they do in fact have to wear clothing outside the house.  Yes… every day.

Second, even if you do get your kids to understand (or at least go along with) whatever necessary thing you want them to do… they can actually move backwards when pushed.  I know… it seems far fetched.  Children have the secret to time travel.  Don’t get excited… it isn’t “Let’s go check out the Dinosaurs” or “I wish I could meet George Washington” time travel… it is “You are always going to be late for everything because I can make putting shoes on a 45 minute activity… Oh and by the way now that I’m in the car and we are ready to go I have to poop” time travel.

Finally… kids are pretty much assholes.  They haven’t quite developed that handy dandy filter that gives most adults the ability to function without repeatedly getting bashed in the face during their day to day activities.  They say whatever they want, whenever it pops into their darling little heads.  The thing they do having going for them is that they are your kids… and by the time they can talk you are pretty much attached.  So they might tell you that you are mean, or that you are annoying, or that your butt is giant, or any number of asshole-y things.

 

She really wanted to eat some triscuits… but since she hasn’t eaten any real food in something like a week because she is “not hungry” or what I’m serving is “disgusting” I decided that she was going to wait the 3-5 minutes it would take me to put the already cooked dinner on a plate and put it on the table.  Evidently this was the wrong call…

She looked me dead in the eye, got a snarl on her face, and told me very matter of factly “Mommy you are uninvited from by birthday party.”

Fine by me.  Mommy needs a nap.

 

photo credit: “41 Austin’s 13th Birthday 2012-Edit” by Meredith Bell licensed under CC BY 4.0

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