So let’s talk about kids… For those of us who have kids there are a few things we know and understand better than anyone else.
First, trying to talk to a toddler is like trying to rationalize with a tiny drunk person. It is almost pointless, but you think maybe this time is the time they finally understand that cookies are not an acceptable substitute for a meal and that they do in fact have to wear clothing outside the house. Yes… every day.
Second, even if you do get your kids to understand (or at least go along with) whatever necessary thing you want them to do… they can actually move backwards when pushed. I know… it seems far fetched. Children have the secret to time travel. Don’t get excited… it isn’t “Let’s go check out the Dinosaurs” or “I wish I could meet George Washington” time travel… it is “You are always going to be late for everything because I can make putting shoes on a 45 minute activity… Oh and by the way now that I’m in the car and we are ready to go I have to poop” time travel.
Finally… kids are pretty much assholes. They haven’t quite developed that handy dandy filter that gives most adults the ability to function without repeatedly getting bashed in the face during their day to day activities. They say whatever they want, whenever it pops into their darling little heads. The thing they do having going for them is that they are your kids… and by the time they can talk you are pretty much attached. So they might tell you that you are mean, or that you are annoying, or that your butt is giant, or any number of asshole-y things.
She really wanted to eat some triscuits… but since she hasn’t eaten any real food in something like a week because she is “not hungry” or what I’m serving is “disgusting” I decided that she was going to wait the 3-5 minutes it would take me to put the already cooked dinner on a plate and put it on the table. Evidently this was the wrong call…
She looked me dead in the eye, got a snarl on her face, and told me very matter of factly “Mommy you are uninvited from by birthday party.”
Fine by me. Mommy needs a nap.
photo credit: “41 Austin’s 13th Birthday 2012-Edit” by Meredith Bell licensed under CC BY 4.0
- Make To-Do List.
Done. I’m a motherfucking winner today ya’ll.
So we have these office chat programs at the office, and you can enter a little one liner about what is happening in your world. Lots of people use fun and interesting quotes…
Things that are meant to inspire.
“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door”
– Milton Berle
Things that express how much you want to be at the office.
“In life only one thing is certain… Friday will come.”
One person has an Anton LaVey quote.
“It’s too bad that stupidity isn’t painful.”
– Anton LaVey
This one had me scratching my head a bit. Not because of the quote itself… Most stupid people have no idea that they are stupid. Pain would be an excellent way to let them know that they haven’t got a clue.
The head scratching part is that it is an Anton LaVey quote.
If you don’t know who Anton LaVey is…
Hi! I’m Satan’s BFF!
I’m hoping this is just a case where said co-worker doesn’t know who that guy is. If not this person just outed themselves as a Satanist. Oopsie.
photo credit: “Slide-together : first try” by fdecomite licensed under CC BY 4.0
I work in a professional office environment.
OK… I technically work in a professional office environment, but the building I work in is like the Red Headed Stepchild of our corporate offices. Since we are over here in the building time forgot, we take certain liberties with our behavior and dress.
Anyway, we have had some issues with the restrooms in this building since… forever. Our building was built when I was a wee lass, and you can tell. The water pressure is either super low or super high, things leak and stop working all the time, people think smearing poo in various places is funny, and some people hide in the restrooms to talk on the phone and/or nap.
Sometime last year we got these fancy dancy automatic flush things added to the toilets. They are a little… excessive?
- Sit down – flush
- Wiggle a bit – flush
- Lean forward to get the TP – flush
- Use the TP – flush
- (repeat 3 and 4 as necessary)
- Stand up – flush
- Pull up pants / arrange clothing – flush
- Open bathroom stall door – flush
- Walk out of stall – flush
- Stall door swings shut – flush
This is only a slight exaggeration. I don’t think I’ve peed without having the toilet flush fewer than 3 times since these things got installed. I mean I guess it is better than people ‘forgetting’ to flush or leaving those weird poo crumbs behind… but really? We can’t get that shit fixed?
photo credit: “Do Nothing” by Jeremy Brooks licensed under CC BY 4.0