December

December is finally almost over.  It is time to celebrate because December has sucked giant donkey balls.

Seriously it’s been terrible.

 

It started out with sick kids…. the eldest had pink eye.  This is not really that bad in the grand scheme of things but it requires eye drops.  If you have never had to give a kid eye drops you cannot understand how terrible that is.  It’s really a 3 person job.  On person has to sit on the kid and hold his/her arms down, the second person has to hold the head still and pry their little eyes open, the third kid has to act fast and deposit a single drop into the child’s eye in the half millisecond person two is able to get the eyelids apart.

Here is the problem with that…. I don’t have three adults who can help me do this 2x a day for 10 days.  I have one other adult and a toddler.  This translates to one person having to give my kid eye drops.  Usually me.  How does that shit work?  I have to straddle my child with her head between my knees and her arms trapped under my calves attempting to pry open her eye with one hand and give her a drop with the other.  The entire time you are worried that your neighbor without kids is going to hear and call the cops on you.

I estimate about a 60% success rating with this method.  Which is probably why she got pink eye again.

 

The next super fun thing was me getting into a car accident the morning that I was supposed to go get some testing in order to get my promotion.  I rear ended someone… He then rear ended the car in front of him… She then rear ended the car in front of her.  (That makes 4 cars total).  The accident wasn’t all that bad, and everyone commented on how lucky we were that no one was hurt.  Two days later I noticed one of my shoulders was about 2″ lower than the other one and I was doing this weird lean-y thing to compensate.  Two weeks later I got notified by my insurance company that two of the other parties involved had retained lawyers and were complaining of severe back and neck pain.  Fuck my life.

Still it wasn’t terrible.  I saw a chiro a couple times, got evened out, and reminded myself why we carry so much insurance.

 

Then I got the ‘feels just like the flu but isn’t actually the flu’ virus.  I don’t know how it isn’t the flu… I was running a 103 fever for 4 days, everything hurt, I could barely move or think or sleep or do much of anything.  It was pretty terrible.  The doctor gave me a flu test, which thankfully came back negative.  Something like that.  Having a flu like virus means you still hate life and wish for death, but none of the good drugs work to make you feel like a human.

I did get the flu shot this year just in case you were wondering.  First time in years… a lot of years.

 

Then the toddler got sick.  For Christmas… yeah!  It wasn’t anything terrible, just a cold and an ear infection.  A super awesome ear infection that left her screaming and crying and angry at the world because everything hurts and her balance is totally thrown off.  It only took 24 hours on antibiotics for her to get back to normal but when you kid gets sick on Christmas the only available option for you to get those handy dandy antibiotics is to go to the ER or other Urgent Care Center.  This is also the only available option for every other sick and injured person… so yeah… the wait time at the places we called were ridiculous.  We opted to wait until the day after we knew she had an ear infection in order to get her into our Pediatrician’s After Hours clinic.  Ear drops, Ibuprofen, a pacifier we have been working so hard to get her to stop using, and lots of love got us through those few days.

 

The good news is that today is the last day of December.  This hellish month is over.  I’m at 90% with my illness and only have a lingering cough that I’m only slightly afraid might be pneumonia but I’m also pretty sure I’m fine.

January… you HAVE got to be better for me.  You have to.  I’ll give you one million internet dollars.

 

photo credit: “Calender” by i_Yudai licensed under CC BY 4.0

Always Read Labels

Because we were all running super late getting home from work and forgot to plan for dinner last night, the hubby and I decided it would be a good idea to go out to eat.  What is the healthiest kid friendly option around?  I have no clue, we decided to go eat wings.

So dinner is going great, my husband and I get our wings, the girls get their nuggets and sauce (Honey BBQ yummy) and I start cutting up nuggets for the baby.  While this is going on my eldest drops her nugget in her BBQ.  Normally, my husband and I are not OK with her drowning her food in whatever sauce she is using, but we realize she is three and accidents happen.  My husband helps her fish the piece out with a fork and she takes a giant bite.

This is why it is so important to read labels… that Sweet BBQ sauce my child just took a giant fork full of… yeah not Sweet BBQ.  It was Habanero BBQ Sauce.  Said so right on the container.

Needless to say she freaked the fuck out.

For those of you who aren’t aware of habanero…. it isn’t an instantaneous spice reaction.  It builds in time.  Slowly growing until your mouth feels like the surface of the sun and all the liquids inside you try to escape from you skin, nose, and eyes.

Yeah… that was fun.

While this is going on my youngest is happily munching on her chicken.  Until she spies the container of seasoning that was placed in the danger zone.  If you have kids you know what this “Danger Zone” is if you don’t… it is the area that is within arm’s reach of your child, including an extra six inches in case by some voodoo magic that only babies in toddlers contain they are able to contort their body in a way to make their arms extra long.  I don’t know how it works, but being short that would be a super handy skill.

I look over with just enough time to watch her grab a handful of super salty vinegar seasoning and put it in her mouth.

Now I have two kids freaking the fuck out.

My husband and I look at each other between consoling our children and helping them to guzzle water and milk.  We laugh.  What else can you do really?


In case anyone was wondering we did notify the restaurant of their mistake and they were extremely apologetic and went above and beyond with making amends.  We were understandably upset by this honest mistake, but realize it was an honest mistake.  Our children have no lasting damage.  Probably.

photo credit: “Sauces” by Angelina Earley, “Be My Sweet Honey Love” by Purple Sherbet Photography, and “Hot” by Josh licensed under CC BY 4.0

My new enemy

I tend to hurt myself a lot.  You could say that I’m accident prone.  These aren’t just normal accidents… they are weird ones.  It’s my 3rd X-Man power.  (The first is breaking technology and the second is causing people 5 miles ahead of me get into accidents when I’m running late… but those are stories for a different day.)

So I have a canker sore because I have stress.  I’m just a big bundle of nerves and anger… it is kind of my thing.  Anyway I have been sitting at work sipping on some ice water.  This wonderful liquid serves two purposes – First is hydration.  I like being hydrated, it makes everything better.  Except for needing to go pee at the time, that side effect can be a PITA.  The second purpose of ice water was the lovely numbing effect it had on my canker sore.    This is important because those things hurt like a mo-fo.

As I was sitting here enjoying my day I decided it was snack time.  My snack of the day?  A delicious orange.  I peel that bad boy, pop a segment in my mouth and am immediately floored by the searing pain of acidic juice meeting open mouth ulcer.

Fuck you orange.