Uninvited

So let’s talk about kids… For those of us who have kids there are a few things we know and understand better than anyone else.

First, trying to talk to a toddler is like trying to rationalize with a tiny drunk person.  It is almost pointless, but you think maybe this time is the time they finally understand that cookies are not an acceptable substitute for a meal and that they do in fact have to wear clothing outside the house.  Yes… every day.

Second, even if you do get your kids to understand (or at least go along with) whatever necessary thing you want them to do… they can actually move backwards when pushed.  I know… it seems far fetched.  Children have the secret to time travel.  Don’t get excited… it isn’t “Let’s go check out the Dinosaurs” or “I wish I could meet George Washington” time travel… it is “You are always going to be late for everything because I can make putting shoes on a 45 minute activity… Oh and by the way now that I’m in the car and we are ready to go I have to poop” time travel.

Finally… kids are pretty much assholes.  They haven’t quite developed that handy dandy filter that gives most adults the ability to function without repeatedly getting bashed in the face during their day to day activities.  They say whatever they want, whenever it pops into their darling little heads.  The thing they do having going for them is that they are your kids… and by the time they can talk you are pretty much attached.  So they might tell you that you are mean, or that you are annoying, or that your butt is giant, or any number of asshole-y things.

 

She really wanted to eat some triscuits… but since she hasn’t eaten any real food in something like a week because she is “not hungry” or what I’m serving is “disgusting” I decided that she was going to wait the 3-5 minutes it would take me to put the already cooked dinner on a plate and put it on the table.  Evidently this was the wrong call…

She looked me dead in the eye, got a snarl on her face, and told me very matter of factly “Mommy you are uninvited from by birthday party.”

Fine by me.  Mommy needs a nap.

 

photo credit: “41 Austin’s 13th Birthday 2012-Edit” by Meredith Bell licensed under CC BY 4.0

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December

December is finally almost over.  It is time to celebrate because December has sucked giant donkey balls.

Seriously it’s been terrible.

 

It started out with sick kids…. the eldest had pink eye.  This is not really that bad in the grand scheme of things but it requires eye drops.  If you have never had to give a kid eye drops you cannot understand how terrible that is.  It’s really a 3 person job.  On person has to sit on the kid and hold his/her arms down, the second person has to hold the head still and pry their little eyes open, the third kid has to act fast and deposit a single drop into the child’s eye in the half millisecond person two is able to get the eyelids apart.

Here is the problem with that…. I don’t have three adults who can help me do this 2x a day for 10 days.  I have one other adult and a toddler.  This translates to one person having to give my kid eye drops.  Usually me.  How does that shit work?  I have to straddle my child with her head between my knees and her arms trapped under my calves attempting to pry open her eye with one hand and give her a drop with the other.  The entire time you are worried that your neighbor without kids is going to hear and call the cops on you.

I estimate about a 60% success rating with this method.  Which is probably why she got pink eye again.

 

The next super fun thing was me getting into a car accident the morning that I was supposed to go get some testing in order to get my promotion.  I rear ended someone… He then rear ended the car in front of him… She then rear ended the car in front of her.  (That makes 4 cars total).  The accident wasn’t all that bad, and everyone commented on how lucky we were that no one was hurt.  Two days later I noticed one of my shoulders was about 2″ lower than the other one and I was doing this weird lean-y thing to compensate.  Two weeks later I got notified by my insurance company that two of the other parties involved had retained lawyers and were complaining of severe back and neck pain.  Fuck my life.

Still it wasn’t terrible.  I saw a chiro a couple times, got evened out, and reminded myself why we carry so much insurance.

 

Then I got the ‘feels just like the flu but isn’t actually the flu’ virus.  I don’t know how it isn’t the flu… I was running a 103 fever for 4 days, everything hurt, I could barely move or think or sleep or do much of anything.  It was pretty terrible.  The doctor gave me a flu test, which thankfully came back negative.  Something like that.  Having a flu like virus means you still hate life and wish for death, but none of the good drugs work to make you feel like a human.

I did get the flu shot this year just in case you were wondering.  First time in years… a lot of years.

 

Then the toddler got sick.  For Christmas… yeah!  It wasn’t anything terrible, just a cold and an ear infection.  A super awesome ear infection that left her screaming and crying and angry at the world because everything hurts and her balance is totally thrown off.  It only took 24 hours on antibiotics for her to get back to normal but when you kid gets sick on Christmas the only available option for you to get those handy dandy antibiotics is to go to the ER or other Urgent Care Center.  This is also the only available option for every other sick and injured person… so yeah… the wait time at the places we called were ridiculous.  We opted to wait until the day after we knew she had an ear infection in order to get her into our Pediatrician’s After Hours clinic.  Ear drops, Ibuprofen, a pacifier we have been working so hard to get her to stop using, and lots of love got us through those few days.

 

The good news is that today is the last day of December.  This hellish month is over.  I’m at 90% with my illness and only have a lingering cough that I’m only slightly afraid might be pneumonia but I’m also pretty sure I’m fine.

January… you HAVE got to be better for me.  You have to.  I’ll give you one million internet dollars.

 

photo credit: “Calender” by i_Yudai licensed under CC BY 4.0

Traveling with Kids

Let’s start this post off by coming right out and saying it.  Traveling with kids is a fucking nightmare.  Those little things require so much crap, and they suck at carrying things.  They also suck at walking quickly, and walking long distances.  This means I have to carry them, their crap, AND my crap.

Mommy needs a drink after thinking about it.

First you need sippy cups, snacks, backup snacks in case the suddenly decide they don’t like their favorite food, pacifiers, quiet toys that are big enough to find on the floor with the 3″ of additional legroom but not so big you can’t fit a variety of options in their carry on, aspirin for yourself and for them, and more snacks that you can shove at them to keep them happy on a 3 hour flight.

Then is getting on the flight itself. We fly with a car seat because it is safer and better for baby containment. You may or may not have noticed, but those things are hard to install under normal conditions… Add a line of people that are pissed off at you for bringing young children on a plane and it gets even funner.

By funner I mean it makes me want to stab myself in the eye.

Remember back in the day when they used to allow people who needed extra time to board the plane first?  Yeah, not anymore… and get prepared for nasty comments from the gate agents if you try.  We have to wait until group 3…. with what seems like 85% of the rest of the plane.

Now that that part is out of the way… Let’s talk about the other thing that sucks? Watching every person who gets on the plane realize they are on a plane with small kids.  You can almost see their thoughts… “Sigh… I have to get on this plane but I’m going to read/nap… aww, cute kid!  Wait… kid… kid on plane.  Mother fucker.”

Yep.  We parents, we can see you.  And for the most part we wish they weren’t here either.  You can’t logic a kid.  You can’t convince a kid that they do need to stay still and quiet for however long the flight is.  Best you can do is pray that all of the things you packed will keep them entertained enough to stay happy but not so entertained that they get excited.  Squeals of happiness are still loud and obnoxious noises to your neighbors.

I’ll make a deal with you though…. I’ll try my damndest to keep my kids well behaved, you try not to make that job any harder for me.

  • Reclining seats are somewhat controversial, but here is something to think about… My kid’s feet cannot reach your seat if you leave it upright.  If you recline it not only can my child’s feet reach your seat, they don’t really have anywhere else to go.  If you are going to recline your seat in front of a child you might get kicked and bumped the entire flight and I can only do so much about it.
  • I know you were looking forward to that giant bag of candy whatever… can you please maybe try not to eat it in front of my three year old who would like to think random strangers are OK with sharing.  I wish my family could have sat on one row just as much as you do…. talk to the airline about only having middle and window seats available.
  • Please remember that these seats are only 20″ apart.  I can hear you talking shit about having a headache because my kid cried for less than 30 seconds during takeoff and that I need to “make that thing happy.”  I might be bitchy and vindictive and probably won’t try so hard the next time she starts kicking the crap out of your seat and throwing cheerios in your general direction.  Just saying.

 

 photo credit: “Paper Planes” by pristyles licensed under CC BY 4.0